Thursday, January 05, 2006


For Christmas my stepson got me a book titled, "How to Become a Ventriloquist." I never really understood how it was supposed to help us. My husband has had a stroke and his speech is hard to understand, so my stepson said since I was the one who could understand his Dad better than anyone else he thought that this book might help me to understand him better. (Didn't make any sense to me) but I accepted it with an open mind.

Reading this book proves that if you plan to become a ventriloquist that you really need to be alone a lot to practice! First you stand in front of the mirror and practice saying the letters, A, E, I, O, and U, without moving your lips. This is fairly easy. Next you try the consonants. Those aren't too hard either except for B, M, P, and W. So when you do your dialogue with your ventriloguist "dummy" you try to avoid words with those letters if possible. For example you can't say "big piano," so you would actually say "vig fiano." If you use rapid dialogue then folks really won't notice.

The next part - okay stick with me guys - is the foundation for the ventriloquial voice which is the "drone." This drone is really a succession of groans or grunts. To produce this voice, hold your teeth together and touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth near the back of your upper front teeth. Take a deep breath and, while holding it, make a groaning sound at the back of the throat, exerting a steady pressure on your vocal cords. As you do this, change the groan into a prolonged "A" or "Ah," exhaling your breath slowly. Keep repeating this over and over and you will find that with constant practice you will finally produce a clear humming "A" or "Ah" sinilar to the sound of a bee's drone. Then you practice all the consonants and the vowels until you have them mastered and then you learn to put them all together and vary them quickly. You must practice constantly.

It sounds to me that one would really want this bad to become a ventriloquist! You stand in front of a mirror and make these grunts and groans and after awhile someone is likely to come along and cart you off to the looney bin or beat you to a pulp! That's why you need to live alone to do this!

Now you know what you need to do! (Just in case there are any would be ventriloquist out there!)


Blogger Ralph's Homespun Headlines said...

I think I'll leave this one alone. I already stand in front of the mirror and grunt and groan - when I am trying to comb my hair - one strand at a time.

6:44 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

I have a voice disorder that I've been dealing with for about eight years now. I won't even TRY to do that!

I was at the store today and a teen girl bent over to get something and about three inches of her crack was staring back at me. Good grief! It was just awful!

7:25 PM  
Blogger happyandblue2 said...

Is it true that becoming a ventriloquist makes you popular at parties and social gatherings. If not I think I'll just stick with the accordian..

7:46 PM  
Blogger Cliff Morrow said...

Hey happy: have you heard the definition of an optimist.
A: A professional accordian player with a beeper.

Rachel, if someone happened onto you blog today, and hadn't read yesterdays addition, they would think the JD lady might be a bit off.
This is a great post. Finding a dummy shouldn't be hard. Just go to the nearest mall.

8:27 PM  
Blogger OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

That is really funny Rachel, and sounds soooo hard!! But I love the grunting and groaning part...
What do you suppose your Step-son had in mind??? Was he serious? And like you said..What is that supposed to do for you and your husband...? HELP! (lol)

2:47 AM  
Blogger David said...

I will pass thank you very much. LOL More than I wanted to know.

Now about the post below - some are okay to observe - most are not.

6:18 AM  
Blogger Jim said...

Good Morning Rachel

I'm glad you are reading that book and trying. The books people give with a thought in their giving generally are helpful. If they get read.
I had a friend who died at age 99. He had Parkinson's and most people had a hard time understanding him. I had no trouble because I knew him so well.
He really did like to do his own talking with other people so I had to be careful and not hurt his pride by interpreting.
Keep us posted on your progress.

6:29 AM  
Blogger Badoozie said...

um, i am a fart ventriloquist. so, should i write a book?

your a step mom? i want to know more. am i gonna have to read this whole blog? is the info in here?
i consider myself a "step mom failure". i tried TOO hard.

8:16 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Ralph - sorry it's so painful combing your thick masses of hair!

JD - Sorry you had to see crack!

H&B2 - I'd say it might make you more popular!

Cliff - Funny!

Naomi - Yes he was perfectly serious and meant well. He is a sweetie.

David - thanks for commenting!

Jim - there will be no progress report! You think I'm going to go around droning like a bee for hours and days on end?? No way!!

Susie - I don't think there are any books out there about being a fart ventriloguist. I honestly doubt it'd be a best seller!

I have 4 step children, all grown. In fact the one that gave me the book is 35 and he's the youngest. No, the info is not in my blog!

8:27 AM  
Blogger Cliff Morrow said...

The book on becoming a fart ventriloquist has already been written. The people who read it thought it stunk.
Rachel, it doesn't take long for a post written with good intentions to deteriorate.

8:48 AM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

Fart ventriloquist? Good grief! I won't be attempting that one either.

1:09 PM  
Blogger Tan Lucy Pez said... I'll be skipping this little trick.

I'm stuck trying to figure out why this is supposed to be helpful with your husband?????

4:53 PM  
Blogger Green-Eyed Lady(GEL) said...

Feel free to email me if you want any resources of any type. I don't know if your husband has seen a Speech-Language therapist in regard to his stroke? One of my degrees is in that field.

7:49 AM  
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4:29 PM  
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10:07 AM  
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1:34 PM  
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4:13 AM  

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